It’s taken me a long time to become an autistic ally in the truest sense. Long before I was an ally, I was a disability employment advisor. At the time I thought I was an ally, but I was probably anything but. I was all about making my clients employable. Little of my time and efforts went into making employers disability friendly. This was before I was married and before I had encountered Foucault and the concept by of speaking truth to power, and employers held the power right? And that was right, that was what showed up, because my colleagues and I didn’t challenge it (with the exception of my mate Beryl, but that’s another story).
But then I met my wife and my education began. The journey towards alliance has not been a smooth one and will continue to hit bumps. We’ve had rows, we’ve represented different stances, but I’ve grown.
So, what do I mean by alliance? While I do now know huge amounts about certain types of autism, it’s not about being an expert. I don’t want to be an expert, it’s not my place to be an expert.
Is Alliance a helping hand or something more. With thanks to Neil Thomas via unSplash
It’s about being a friend, a true friend. True friends don’t always totally get each other, but they always love each other. It’s about fighting each other’s corner when it’s invited and keeping your gob shut when it’s not invited. It’s about standing alongside Autistic people don’t need or want me to fight their battles for them. They want me to fight SOME of their battles WITH them, when they choose to allow me that privilege.
Alliance as lifestyle choice
Being an autistic ally is no different from being any other kind of ally, though the expression of it may be different. I don’t hold with the concept that the enemy of your enemy is your friend. Life is really not that simple. Being an ally is about being brave, even when you don’t feel brave and even when the issue has no direct impact on you. It is the same reason we need to keep a very close eye on how we deal with sexism, racism, ageism. Its also why we need to keep talking to our leaders about the situation in Ukraine, though I haven’t worked out how to do that yet.
Actually, sometimes being an ally is about doing something even though you don’t know how. Conversely, its about letting somebody else have their shot, because just maybe they know more about it than you!
Call to action: Be an Ally
We don’t all have to be tub thumpers and campaigners. The small, personal things we can do are as, if not more important. For me, its learning not to be pedantic and let people talk freely, which is a battle I have yet to win. For those who are my allies, its about accepting that I can be inconsistent and flawed, just like them. To find out more about being an autistic ally, think about relationships in all their forms, and book a one to one with Joyce here
There is something ironic about coming home from the wedding of a super-mechanic on the back of an AA lorry. However, I refuse to let it mar an otherwise fabulous weekend of celebrating two people I genuinely care about.
Lavender looks forward to the wedding
I know that many of you will be wondering what this has to do with CoomberSewell Enterprises LLP. Well, on the surface of it, not that much. In our wider mission to be kind, and the slightly narrower one of promoting work and people we believe in, Erin and Rob are perfect subjects. They are kindness personified, and both do work worth talking about.
Keeping us safe
Now, I have to say I don’t entirely understand what either of them do for a living, but I know it matters! From what I can tell, Rob, the owner of RW Garage Equipment, started life as your average talented mechanic. Now, I don’t have a good track record with grease monkeys, having been taken for a muggins on more than one occasion, but Rob can look under my hood any time. It strikes me that Rob has rather moved on now, though, becoming the mechanic’s mechanic.
Rob begins to understand American Wedding traditions
That is, Rob supplies, fits, maintains and assesses all the big bits of equipment mechanics need in order to be mechanics – the thingies that lift cars and vans up into the air, so they don’t have to crawl on the floor; the air guns that put nuts on so tight I have to call the AA out to do a simple tyre change, the things that go whirr and pop and tha-dunk, so our cars don’t! And from what I’ve been told by those who know, he and his team are really rather good at it. Rob, coincidentally, is a lovely northern lad who revels in rain, mud and being manly on a variety of sports surfaces
Keeping us real
Erin on the other hand, researches grief. Not any kind of grief you understand, but that barely talked about, still got shame attached to it cos we’re British and oh-I-couldn’t-possibly-talk-about-it grief caused by still-birth and miscarriage. This research is drawing to a conclusion, in this form at least, but has led me to really evaluate how I support my friends in these situations.
Do I support my friends in these situations, or do I blunder about in a well-meaning haze of havoc? Perhaps we shall never know, but just asking the question is important. Giving these mothers and fathers a chance to feel heard and seen is vital. It is hoped that Erin’s work will go on to help wellbeing services improve their knowledge of and provision for this group of people. Erin, coincidentally, is from Minnesota, has ambivalent feelings about sport and an extensive (or so it seems to me) collection of shades and sunglasses, being a tad of a sun worshipper. She has spent much of the last 4 years commuting between Bromley and Canterbury.
Keeping us loved
So how these two got together (not withstanding a dating app) is somewhat of a mystery, especially after said dating app was living on a phone that was stolen. What is more remarkable is that having survived bereavements, extended periods apart due to Covid, the home office being decidedly dim about Erin’s right to a spousal visa and any other number of stumbling blocks, these two gorgeous people have, over the course of the last 6 months, given their blood and chosen family, as they prefer to call us, not one, but two of the best marriage celebrations I’ve ever had the privilege to attend, especially the second bash.
Erin and her sister Bre make their big arrival
Now, I have been known, to make disparaging remarks about brash Americans. I am, after all, a slightly snobby quarter Canadian. Minnesotans may just be the most Canadian of the States-dwellers. You know what British weddings can be like – everybody says hello awkwardly, then silence reigns! Not this one. The combo of Rob’s family’s northern hospitality and Erin’s chosen family’s openness, chilled approach to meeting new people and a sense of genuine curiosity about folk meant that there was not one awkward pause all day. We were a cosmopolitan crowd. In addition to the accents, I heard several languages (mainly French) being spoken freely and easily. I heard laughter, but also profound truths exchanged.
There were also people of all sexual orientations there. This meant that, for the first time in our married lives, Joyce and I felt comfortable to dance together in a public place. So important, and so sad that in the 21st century I have to make that statement.
Keeping us thinking
So, why does any of this matter? Well, because Erin and Roberton Bear, as she calls him, are rare beings in this world:
They are both genuinely kind. They live kindly and lovingly. They also genuinely believe the best of everyone.
Rob’s dad, Peter, is also lovely. In our last conversation before the mega-journey home, he commented that he hoped Erin would teach Rob not to be so naïve and kind. An understandable fatherly concern. Nobody wants to see their son hurt or taken advantage of by those they try to help, which I suspect is what Peter was referring to. Well, sorry Peter, he got it from you and his mum. In this world of wheeling, dealing and trying to get one over on each other, may your son and daughter-in-law remain naïve, loving and genuinely kind for ever. The world needs more Rob and Erins of this world and I pray they are always in my life.
Call to action: Be more Love
Normally I end these blogs with a call to action – to use one of our services or to seek some advice from us. This time I think my call to action is more important. If you have a Rob and Erin in your life, make sure they know you love and appreciate them. If you don’t have a Rob and Erin in your life, be that love and kindness in somebody else’s life.
