The personal in the professional: review of 2022.

Before I started writing this blog, while I was thinking about the personal and professional, I re-read every single entry for 2022.  I noticed that increasingly my blogs were based on things that mattered to me personally rather than professionally.  Does this matter?  I had to ask myself that question, and I haven’t come up with a clear answer.

Yes and No

From the point of view that people don’t in fact buy goods or service, they buy relationships, I guess the answer is that talking personally is a strength, something that I can use to get people to trust me, and therefore hopefully work with me.  However, if I express an opinion you don’t agree with, you might be put off using our services.

Colourful laundry line
Photo by Alex Blăjan on Unsplash

On the other hand, there is a fine line between showing what you are passionate about and airing your dirty laundry in public.  I think I have always been on the right side of that line in these blogs, but I know plenty of people who don’t pull it off.  I’ve also been known to lose my rag on Twitter, and consistently it blows up in my face, damaging my image and reputation.  So, I’ve learned to step away from social media in times of emotional turmoil.

When I look back over the last year, I can see it has been a very successful year for CoomberSewell Enterprises professionally.  Personally however, the year was much more of a roller coaster, with the early half of the year being mainly “Weee, wa-hey!” and the latter half being rather more “bleugh”. That is obvious in the fact that this is my first blog since August. When life is hard, the urge to blog desserts me.

Guarding against the slumps

So, how can those of us who have a public face mitigate against the low times?

As I’ve already mentioned, I think social media, however immediate it feels on the receiving end, is not something any of us should be doing in the moment.  When you look at the videos posted by successful vloggers, even those who have been going for years, however delicate the subject, you get the idea that the content is carefully curated and edited.  They control their reputation, and you don’t achieve that by going off half-cocked.

Gloomy grey clouds overhead
Image by Clay Banks, curtesy of Unsplash

The other thing is not to shoot all your arrows at once.  When things are going well, it’s worth creating a bank of material so that you can release it regularly.  Then, when you don’t have the emotional energy to find something new to say, personal or professional, it’s already waiting for you.  This is a lesson I need to learn, not only because it helps with keeping your profile in the game, but because re-reading your own work when you are feeling down can be great for raising the spirits.

As I sat down to write this, I was not feeling my best, laden with a cold (please let it only be a cold), tired after a long term and a bit depressed about how uncertain life has been recently.  But it turns out we have had a corking time at points this year, whether it is celebrating the love of friends, travelling abroad or seeing fantastic shows.

So, by all means make your personal part of your professional, especially when it includes things you are passionate about, but make sure you do it on your terms!

Being the Newbie

This is an adaptation of an article I wrote for the British Mensa Magazine, so it is very Mensa focused.  The advice I have included can be applied to approaching any hobbyist or interest weekend for the first time.

Newbie IRL

For many new-ish Mensans, it’s been an online affair so far. This was certainly the case for me, joining, as I did in June 2021, when lockdown was sort of… nearly… over, but with a strong whiff of uncertainty in the air.  I immediately made enquiries about the Mensa Music Weekend (MMW). I was crushed when it was cancelled for 2021 due to continued Covid uncertainty.

Fast forward to 22nd July 2022 and a slightly nervous newbie (me) approached Colyer-Fergusson Hall at the University of Kent for the first session of the Mensa Music Weekend.  I have to say I was an unusual delegate.  I think I was one of only two day delegates. Certainly, I was the only one not to buy the meal package.  Hey, I’m self-employed and you never quite know how the summer is going to go financially.

In the know

My view in rehearsal

Now, for those in the know, the Mensa Music Weekend is a smushy smorgasbord of options which people waft between as the mood takes them.  For the newbies, it was all a bit bewildering initially, especially as I could find nobody to talk to for the first 15 minutes or so.  One does not like to interrupt tune ups and instrument construction.  This not knowing what to do, or who to talk to completely freaked me out, to the point where I nearly left. But after that initial mis-step things improved rapidly.

A couple of people eventually came to say hello and it became clear that those of us who primarily sing were not staying put.  I followed a stream of people upstairs. While the others wrestled locked doors and confusing signs about whether practice rooms are in use or not, I fell to chatting with a very sweet, friendly looking bloke with floppy blond hair.  This turned out to be the only “normal” in the place, conductor Benedict Collins Rice.  The cost of the Mensa weekend includes paying for Benedict and another professional conductor, in this case, Robert Secret, who primarily rehearses the orchestra.  I have to say, my track record of paid conductors rehearsing amateur musicians is not great.  Often, their egos are bigger than their pay packets deserve, but Benedict and Robert may well fall into the delightful category.  I thought I’d done every vocal warm up in the book, but Benedict took us somewhere new and different, which was very enjoyable.

The weekend

I could talk about each rehearsal in depth, the format of the weekend, the running order of the final concert, the standard of the music, all of which are worthy of mention. However,  I’m not sure that these are what MMW is about, and its not what stands out in my head.  After my initial fumble, which in all honesty made me hopping mad with myself for being so shy (get a grip woman, you’re 48 years old), the aspects that stood out for me were:

The Audience view from the informal concert
  • the lack of cliques. Many of these people have been going to MMWs for years, and know each other really well.  It would have been easy to talk in short hand and leave us newbies out, but no, none of that.
  • The variety of music. Our final concert included everything from Mozart to Mary Lou, Nelly the Elephant and Cohen’s Hallelujah
  • Remarkable originality and friendliness. Mensa likes to ‘grow our own’, so it was a pleasure and a privilege to sing a setting of the Lord’s Prayer written by MMW attendee Eric Lewis.  What was more remarkable was to witness the orchestra play a piece by David Dreebin which he had written over the course of the weekend.  Apparently, this is a regular feature of MMW
  • Diversity of age. It is true that Mensa is an aging organisation, but I wasn’t the youngest adult in the room, not by a long shot. For Saturday we were joined by a member of young Mensa in the flute section, I believe she was 12.  Not going to mention any names, as I didn’t have the presence of mind to ask permission at the time. However, if you are reading this, young lady, I do hope we see you again soon.

If you had asked me in that first 15 minutes, I would have said ‘never again’.  If you had asked me on 24th July, or 25th, or even today, I’d say, rather like a puppy remembering the shiny red ball, ‘when can we play again? Can we play again? Please can we play? When can we play?’

Newbie tips

The Trio strut their stuff

I do have a few tips for newbies at any weekend though:

  • Commit to the whole thing. Scrape together the last few quid if you possibly can and go the whole hog. Stay in the accommodation, eat in the dining room, it’s the quickest and easiest way to get to know people.
  • Either don’t expect to sleep much or bring really good earplugs. These things often mean that whatever the activity is carries on way into the wee small hours.
  • If the pre-event literature says that contributions are welcome, whether that is suggestions, sheet music, spare costumes, bring whatever you have. What you bring may shape the event.
  • Pack your Brave pants. I forgot to factor in that few Mensans are any less socially awkward than me. Indeed, neither are many steampunkers and fountain pen geeks, BUT
This image sums up my observations

All things being equal, most event organisers have the foresight to have a newbie minder, seek them out. If there isn’t a newbie minder, volunteer, and have a wonderful time!

If you’re feeling nervous, contact me for a chat.

 

Welcome to the Rock!

We all know about September 11th.  Most of us can remember where we were when the news broke.  I was in an outreach office in Harold Hill, about to close up for the day and go out to dinner with friends.  We didn’t go out for dinner.  We sat, stunned and appalled as the drama unfolded.

Except it wasn’t drama.  We watched as real people jumped out of the windows of the Trade Centre rather than suffocate in the smoke of the planes that had been crashed beneath them.  We watched as a third plane was crashed into the Pentagon. We watched as the crew and passengers of a fourth plane revolted against the terrorists and brought the plane down in Pennsylvania, knowing full well they would all be killed rather than hit Washington DC, possibly the White House.

What few of us thought about at the time was all the people who were still in the air, ordered to land at the nearest airport big enough for their planes across the entirety of continental America.  For the passengers of 38 planes, that meant landing at Gander, Newfoundland.

Drama

And here another drama was born, entirely by accident, and not until many years later.  And here began one of the best musicals I have ever seen.  Welcome, indeed, to the rock!  We went to see Come from Away on Wednesday 6th July, at the Phoenix Theatre in London.  I have to say, it was my choice and I already suspected that Joyce was humouring me, as I had chosen it.  I had no idea about the details of the story, though I was vaguely aware. I certainly didn’t know it was a musical I have to say that the last term has been a long one and we needed a bit of a boost.

Remarkable

What we witnessed was remarkable.  ‘Come from away’ is the Newfie term for an incomer, a visitor, a tourist, and lets face it, a bit like the Cornish relationship with Grockles, it’s a bit of a love-hate one.  I’m not really doing the profundity of the experience justice.  We were mindblown by the music, the sheer cleverness of the staging, and the multi-part acting of all the cast.

Image by Craig Sugden and previously printed in The Stage

Even more remarkable is that one of the stories told, is that of Beverley Bass, not only one of the 38 Captains stranded there, but the first female captain of an American Airlines commercial plane.  I do love when women’s stories start intersecting.  Alice Fearn plays her with remarkable energy and grit. Fearn is blessed over other actors  in that she physically resembles Bass, even though she is 13 years younger than the pilot at the time of the story.  I’m sure Fearn would not be pleased I’ve said this, but its true, and it helps, or it helps me, anyway.

Foot stomping

The sheer foot stomping, energy driven nature of the music somehow manages to aid the complexity of the story. It helps to demonstrate the concerns of those who looked after the animals left in the holds of the planes, the single Muslim passenger who was not treated well due to the circumstances, the relationships made and broken by them.  The show is a funny length, an hour and 40 mins. It doesn’t have an interval and it all adds to the atmosphere.  I don’t give standing ovations lightly, but I joined the majority of the rest of the audience on my feet, whooping and hollering like a good’un

The show is on in London until January next year, so Come From Away to wherever you can find yourself a performance and join those of us who can say we’ve been Welcomed to the Rock.

What does it mean to be an autistic ally?

It’s taken me a long time to become an autistic ally in the truest sense. Long before I was an ally, I was a disability employment advisor. At the time I thought I was an ally, but I was probably anything but. I was all about making my clients employable. Little of my time and efforts went into making employers disability friendly. This was before I was married and before I had encountered Foucault and the concept by of speaking truth to power, and employers held the power right? And that was right, that was what showed up, because my colleagues and I didn’t challenge it (with the exception of my mate Beryl, but that’s another story).

But then I met my wife and my education began. The journey towards alliance has not been a smooth one and will continue to hit bumps. We’ve had rows, we’ve represented different stances, but I’ve grown.

So, what do I mean by alliance? While I do now know huge amounts about certain types of autism, it’s not about being an expert. I don’t want to be an expert, it’s not my place to be an expert.

Is Alliance a helping hand or something more. With thanks to Neil Thomas via unSplash

It’s about being a friend, a true friend. True friends don’t always totally get each other, but they always love each other. It’s about fighting each other’s corner when it’s invited and keeping your gob shut when it’s not invited. It’s about standing alongside  Autistic people don’t need or want me to fight their battles for them. They want me to fight SOME of their battles WITH them, when they choose to allow me that privilege.

Alliance as lifestyle choice

Being an autistic ally is no different from being any other kind of ally, though the expression of it may be different.  I don’t hold with the concept that the enemy of your enemy is your friend. Life is really not that simple.  Being an ally is about being brave, even when you don’t feel brave and even when the issue has no direct impact on you.  It is the same reason we need to keep a very close eye on how we deal with sexism, racism, ageism.  Its also why we need to keep talking to our leaders about the situation in Ukraine, though I haven’t worked out how to do that yet.

Actually, sometimes being an ally is about doing something even though you don’t know how. Conversely, its about letting somebody else have their shot, because just maybe they know more about it than you!

Call to action: Be an Ally

We don’t all have to be tub thumpers and campaigners.  The small, personal things we can do are as, if not more important.  For me, its learning not to be pedantic and let people talk freely, which is a battle I have yet to win.  For those who are my allies, its about accepting that I can be inconsistent and flawed, just like them.  To find out more about being an autistic ally, think about relationships in all their forms, and book a one to one with Joyce here 

Be More Love

There is something ironic about coming home from the wedding of a super-mechanic on the back of an AA lorry.  However, I refuse to let it mar an otherwise fabulous weekend of celebrating two people I genuinely care about.

Lavender looks forward to the wedding

I know that many of you will be wondering what this has to do with CoomberSewell Enterprises LLP.  Well, on the surface of it, not that much. In our wider mission to be kind, and the slightly narrower one of promoting work and people we believe in, Erin and Rob are perfect subjects. They are kindness personified, and both do work worth talking about.

Keeping us safe

Now, I have to say I don’t entirely understand what either of them do for a living, but I know it matters!  From what I can tell, Rob, the owner of RW Garage Equipment, started life as your average talented mechanic.  Now, I don’t have a good track record with grease monkeys, having been taken for a muggins on more than one occasion, but Rob can look under my hood any time.  It strikes me that Rob has rather moved on now, though, becoming the mechanic’s mechanic.

Rob begins to understand American Wedding traditions

That is, Rob supplies, fits, maintains and assesses all the big bits of equipment mechanics need in order to be mechanics – the thingies that lift cars and vans up into the air, so they don’t have to crawl on the floor;  the air guns that put nuts on so tight I have to call the AA out to do a simple tyre change, the things that go whirr and pop and tha-dunk, so our cars don’t!  And from what I’ve been told by those who know, he and his team are really rather good at it. Rob, coincidentally, is a lovely northern lad who revels in rain, mud and being manly on a variety of sports surfaces

Keeping us real

Erin on the other hand, researches grief.  Not any kind of grief you understand, but that barely talked about, still got shame attached to it cos we’re British and oh-I-couldn’t-possibly-talk-about-it grief caused by still-birth and miscarriage.  This research is drawing to a conclusion, in this form at least, but has led me to really evaluate how I support my friends in these situations.

Do I support my friends in these situations, or do I blunder about in a well-meaning haze of havoc?  Perhaps we shall never know, but just asking the question is important. Giving these mothers and fathers a chance to feel heard and seen is vital. It is hoped that Erin’s work will go on to help wellbeing services improve their knowledge of and provision for this group of people. Erin, coincidentally, is from Minnesota, has ambivalent feelings about sport and an extensive (or so it seems to me) collection of shades and sunglasses, being a tad of a sun worshipper.  She has spent much of the last 4 years commuting between Bromley and Canterbury.

Keeping us loved

So how these two got together (not withstanding a dating app) is somewhat of a mystery, especially after said dating app was living on a phone that was stolen.  What is more remarkable is that having survived bereavements, extended periods apart due to Covid, the home office being decidedly dim about Erin’s right to a spousal visa and any other number of stumbling blocks, these two gorgeous people have, over the course of the last 6 months, given their blood and chosen family, as they prefer to call us, not one, but two of the best marriage celebrations I’ve ever had the privilege to attend, especially the second bash.

Erin and her sister Bre make their big arrival

Now, I have been known, to make disparaging remarks about brash Americans. I am, after all, a slightly snobby quarter Canadian.  Minnesotans may just be the most Canadian of the States-dwellers.  You know what British weddings can be like – everybody says hello awkwardly, then silence reigns!  Not this one. The combo of Rob’s family’s northern hospitality and Erin’s chosen family’s openness, chilled approach to meeting new people and a sense of genuine curiosity about folk meant that there was not one awkward pause all day.  We were a cosmopolitan crowd.  In addition to the accents, I heard several languages (mainly French) being spoken freely and easily. I heard laughter, but also profound truths exchanged.

There were also people of all sexual orientations there. This meant that, for the first time in our married lives, Joyce and I felt comfortable to dance together in a public place.  So important, and so sad that in the 21st century I have to make that statement.

Keeping us thinking

So, why does any of this matter?  Well, because Erin and Roberton Bear, as she calls him, are rare beings in this world:

They are both genuinely kind. They live kindly and lovingly.  They also genuinely believe the best of everyone.

Rob’s dad, Peter, is also lovely. In our last conversation before the mega-journey home, he commented that he hoped Erin would teach Rob not to be so naïve and kind. An understandable fatherly concern. Nobody wants to see their son hurt or taken advantage of by those they try to help, which I suspect is what Peter was referring to.  Well, sorry Peter, he got it from you and his mum.  In this world of wheeling, dealing and trying to get one over on each other, may your son and daughter-in-law remain naïve, loving and genuinely kind for ever.  The world needs more Rob and Erins of this world and I pray they are always in my life.

Call to action:  Be more Love

Normally I end these blogs with a call to action – to use one of our services or to seek some advice from us.  This time I think my call to action is more important.  If you have a Rob and Erin in your life, make sure they know you love and appreciate them.  If you don’t have a Rob and Erin in your life, be that love and kindness in somebody else’s life.

Exam Prep

The exam season has started for university students, with schools and colleges not far behind.  I’ve only invigilated 3 exams so far, but already I’ve seen a number of young people stressed out of their heads at a level I struggle to imagine.

A prepared exam hall
Photo by Akshay Chauhan on Unsplash

So. this week I thought I’d reflect on some good exam techniques and some bad ones. Now, I appreciate that what works for one person might not work for another, and that I don’t have diagnosed needs around sensory issues, but I’ve done A LOT of exams in my time, some of them well, some of them badly, and I’ve supported a lot more students through their exams. While what I have to say might not work for all, there might be a gem or two in here.

To be clear, exam prep is not just about revision.  In fact, if you have been paying attention during the year, I would argue that revision is (or should be) the least important aspect.  So, my first tip:

One month before the exam

  1. If you have an entitlement to special arrangements, make sure they have been put in place and you know exactly what they are in plenty of time. Can you have extra time? Access to a PC? Rest breaks? Assistive Tech?  A Scribe/Reader? Make sure you know, and make sure you know how to use them.  If you have a scribe, see if you can meet them in advance. Practise using them. If you don’t practise, you will break them, then they cry, and it’s embarrassing.
  2. Check the rules. If you are not allowed to take a glass bottle into the exam hall, make sure you have a plastic one.  If you haven’t been to the room before, do a dry run – how long will it take you to get there?  What is the backup plan if the traffic is bad?  Arriving late robs you of time and unsettles everybody.
  3. If there are practice papers available, do them – in exam conditions. Send your housemates away, turn the music off, and have a go.  Set yourself a timer and be ruthless with yourself.  You will never replicate exam conditions perfectly, but you can get an idea of what doing 1000 words in an hour feels like. Practice picking your questions, planning them.  Especially if you have essay questions, a skeleton plan is never a waste of time.

The week before the exam:

  1. Your revision should be nearly finished, just a quick refresh of the key points should bring the rest flooding back. At this point, it is more important to eat healthily, sleep well and get lots of fresh air.  If you are normally a night owl and your exam is at 9am, this is your last chance to start moving your body clock round so you don’t feel like a zombie.
  2. If you haven’t been there before, do a dry run of the journey.
    A moving bus, left profile
    Photo by Egor Litvinov on Unsplash

    Go and stand in a set up exam hall. How does it feel? How does it look?  Does it smell odd?  If you have sensory issues you might want to think about how these things might impact on you and take constructive steps now.  Ask for a room change, wear some Vick under your nose.  You’re intelligent; you can help people help you.

  3. This is the point where nerves can start kicking in. There are a number of strategies for this.  I work best with distraction – keep busy, take your mind off it, count your blessings.  All aphorisms, but all work for some people.  You might want to meditate, pray or practice other mindfulness and relaxation techniques.  You can find my alternatives to the traditional ones here

The day before the exam:

  1. Do NOT cram. If you don’t know it by the night before the exam, you aren’t going to be helped by trying to ram it all into your brain at the last minute. All you will do is stress yourself out.  There are exceptions to this rule.  I had a student who knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep the night before an exam, and would set up an all-night study session in the library for anybody who wanted to join her.  Personally, I think this was effective because of the camaraderie and not because of the cramming.  And yes, I did once have to wake her up during an exam I was scribing for.2 poached eggs on toast, on a white plate
  2. Eat sensibly throughout the 24 hours before an exam. For some people appetites can be impacted, but an exam is a marathon, and just like a runner you need some protein and carbs to see you through.  I know those who swear by a fry up the night before an exam, or even on the morning, but that’s a bit full on for me.  I do advocate a poached egg on toast for breakfast on the day of an exam though, or something similarly slow burning.
  3. Pack your bag. ID pens, pencils, specialist equipment if applicable.  Drink (in acceptable container), snack if allowed.  Got 2 exams tomorrow?  Pack a healthy lunch or make sure you have both the time and the money to get one.

The morning of the exam:

  1. Leave plenty of time to get there.
  2. Just because you have special arrangements, be aware that you don’t have to use them. If you have a PC, but are happier on paper (and you can be understood), write on paper.  If you don’t need your rest breaks and it would interrupt your flow, don’t take them.
  3. Remember, invigilators and teaching staff are human, and they are probably a bit nervous too. The computers don’t always behave, there can be issues with paperwork.  They want you to have the best exam experience they can provide you with, while also making sure you stay within the rules.  Cut them a bit of slack – be kind to each other.  There might be 4 of them to look after 200 of you!

An exam does not have to be a bad experience.  If you put the building blocks in place, breathe and keep it in proportion, you will be ok.  And I know, I seem like a smartypants – PhD, member of Mensa.  Exams must be a breeze for me, right?  Wrong.  I did re-sits for my Alevels, and once scored less than 25% on a mock.  I was taking myself far too seriously, putting myself under too much pressure, expecting to do badly, and that’s exactly what showed up.  Your next exam is always the most important exam of your life, but there will be other chances, other ways to show what you can do, so give yourself some wriggle room, and try and find the intellectual adventure.  That is the best exam prep you can do.

To find out more, contact me here

Grazzi Miġnuna

So, my Joyce has a new nickname, thanks to a week in Malta.  It came about while we were on a guided walking tour of M’dina, the ancient capital of the island.  Our lovely guide, Christian was telling us about something completely different, when Joyce noticed a tree growing down a shadowy alley, in almost no soil.  She asked Chris what it was and why on earth it would grow in such an inhospitable environment.  ‘Ah,’ he said, ‘it’s a Bougainvillea’, but in Arabic, it has a nickname, Miġnuna, which means The Crazy One’. 

Now, I know that words like crazy are not good in the 21st century, but when I call Joyce Miġnuna, I’m not thinking about her as crazy, I’m thinking about that Bourgainvillea and how similar it is to Joyce’s life.  She has chosen to live much of her life in the shadows, serving others, growing from strength to strength on very little emotional nourishment.  Very few people appreciate my wife – most take her for granted (including me at times, sorry Miġnuna), and some outright vilify her for her inconvenient habit of loving people and expecting integrity, offering honesty and never flinching from an opportunity to advocate for autistics with average to high IQs, a very under-represented and misunderstood group.  And yet she still blesses the world with the flowers of her labour.  Am I biased? Yes – challenge me on it, I dare you!

Work-life balance

In a world and work where mental wellbeing and work-life balance is a hot topic, our week in Malta pointed out to us that we are excellent at talking the talk, but not so good at walking the walk.  We are so consumed by looking after the wellbeing of our clients, we often forget to look after our own.  The sheer stress of whether we would even get to Malta, what with Covid restrictions, the need to arrange extra cat sitting as Kevin had just had surgery and the fact that we keep our trips secret until after the event for security reasons was unbelievable. So our tiny, unpretentious but beautiful studio apartment at Shamrock Apartments at around £100 for the week was a joy.

There are those who get sniffy about the Bugibba/Qawra area, and in the height of the season it probably is a bit Skegness with sunshine, but we love it.  We walked and we walked and we walked; 50 miles in 7 days. We got the incredibly good value Tallinja Explore Card (approx. £21 for the week to access all buses on both Malta and Gozo) and we just rode and looked out of the window.  Pro-tip – if you are already a stress head miġnuna, don’t hire a car in Malta.  The Maltese are some of the most over- assertive drivers I have ever come across and would rather break their car horns than actually consider slowing down or giving way. The bus is a much more fantastic way to chill out and wind down.

The walking jewel

And then there was Chris.  We may have fallen a little bit in love with Chris, in a protective, mummy/sister way you understand, not the inappropriate way.  I discovered Chris’s walking tours before we left the UK via Airbnb, but he is launching his own website soon.  Now, I’ve done some excellent walking tours in my time, but Chris is on another level.  I’d already established that Chris was native Maltese with a great knowledge before we even booked, but I had no way of knowing of his passion for his country, his humour and his humanity.

Through Covid, Chris’s work has been a bit flat for the last couple of years, so being a constructive kind of guy, he had thrown himself into supporting his community, which in Malta mainly means being quite involved in activities organised by the Catholic parishes.  He told us that he now takes the nuns to the supermarket and helps them in their gardens.

Chris knows everybody – born and brought up in Rabat, his relationship with the nobility of neighbouring M’dina is both endearing and amusing.  While we were on the tour of M’dina, Chris took a phone call from the Arch-something or other of the Diocese.  ‘The Pope’s coming to Malta, Chris, can you drive one of the cars for his entourage please?’  And yet not once did I feel religion pushed down my throat, just the old fashioned Christian love I haven’t experienced in donkey’s years.  We did a second tour with Chris, his Three Cities tour, and we will go and do his Valletta tour when we go back in… well, I’m not going to say, am I, for security reasons!

Cats

That’s not to say Malta is perfect.  I’ve already mentioned the erm… eccentric driving, and the Maltese have a strange relationship with their feral cats.  They’re absolutely not strays, no way, they are feral, well looked after by the locals, but wild as they come.  Nobody would dream of attempting to tame one, neuter them, address the number of kittens around the place.  It’s not the Maltese way, and it kind of works.  Pet cats are house cats, and ne’er the twain shall meet.  And I get it, and I sort of like it, it fascinates me, while also knowing it could never happen here, and I’m OK with that.

A different culture

It is good to visit a different culture with a sense of observation, not judgement. It is good to interact with that community, not just use it as a sunbed.  Chris is looking to develop his tours so that they give back to the community, via food tours that showcase independent restauranteurs, through interacting with the church schools a little more to help the children with their English and any number of ways I haven’t heard about yet.  Go to Malta, or go somewhere else new.  Go with the intention of re-charging your batteries, but go with an open heart and an open soul, a sense of observation and learning. Come back restored, ready to engage with your sense of miġnuna to work and play with integrity and love, regardless of the poverty of the soil and light the world might give you in return.

Joyce and I will be starting a Travel Vlog soon, The Wandering Biographers.  Watch this space, or contact us for more details

Podcast Adventures

I enjoy being a guest on Podcasts.  It’s taken me a while to learn to be a good guest.  I used to be very dominating and talk over everybody, which is naturalistic, but very rude. Now I have learned to make lots of non-linguistic verbalisations (that’s encouraging noises to the rest of us) and pause for a moment when people have finished.  This not only makes sure I’m not talking over people, but also gives me a chance to make sure I have understood the question, and therefore answer appropriately.

Microphone and headset
With thanks to Jonathan Farber and UnSplash

My latest guest appearance was released this week, and I have to say how much I appreciate the efforts of the host, Jennifer Van Alstyne, to make something that is useful, informative and enjoyable, as well as giving me a chance to practice.  Jennifer and I don’t know each other very well, we met in an international academic networking THING hosted by another Jennifer, Jennifer Polk, just before Christmas 2020.  I appreciate the other Jennifer for hosting that, too.  It was not a good time in Joyce’s and my lives personally – we were about to walk, completely blindsided, into the worst Christmas of our married lives. We’re still married, its ok, there is a happy ending. The point is, Jennifer (podcast Jennifer) and I just sort of clicked.  I immediately invited her to guest blog for me and she invited me to guest on her podcast.

Being a Good Podcast Guest

I don’t know why I find podcast etiquette hard, it’s the same as job interview etiquette:

  1. Listen to the question.
  2. Think about the question
  3. Answer the question
  4. Shut up

Oh and number 5 should come first really:

5. Do your prep

But I’ve always struggled with number 4, and sometimes with number 1.  I’m always so busy thinking, it is difficult for me to listen, you see.

Showcase Skills

Just like job interviews, podcasts are a great way to showcase your skills and experience.  They have the bonus of a much wider potential audience, however.  As a business person, as an academic, as a Post-grad, as an under-Grad, there are things that you are the expert in.  You may be the world’s best at planning your time, at managing resources, at being the supportive friend.  But how do people know that if you don’t tell them?  There are podcasts  for everything, it seems. Almost every host sometimes struggles for a guest, you never know who will be pleased to hear from you.  You might have that one nugget of wisdom a listener has been needing.

Now, I’m not suggesting you go and start your own podcast – that would be over-egging the pudding.  If you are invited however, take the plunge. It will be much more enjoyable than you think, people will see you in a new light and you might just learn something about yourself – even if it is to finally shut up and listen, like me!

If you’d like to practice my 5 interview rules with a sympathetic skills tutor, or even invite me on to your podcast, contact me here!

Is the language of self-care self-defeating?

‘You should make more time to take care of yourself’ is a comment constantly aimed at Joyce and me.  This always fills me with puzzlement and to an extent, frustration.  I have a Joyce to take care of me and I take care of her. Why do I need to take care of myself?  Nobody is volunteering to take a job off my list while I’m indulging in a bit of self-care, it will still be there when I get back.

We live in a society that values mental health, self-care and me-time and I understand that.  Being quite a self-aware person, I know that much of my attitude is nothing to do with the concepts themselves and everything to do with the language that surrounds them.  I prefer to think about optimising our mental wellbeing, which is something much more positive than avoiding or improving poor mental health (as well as considerably cheaper to the NHS), and the concept of leisure time, which avoids those horrible words self and me.

Old fashioned

I know I’m old-fashioned, but sometimes there is nothing wrong with that.  I was brought up with phrases with ‘there is no I in team’, ‘sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you’.  Now, I know that last one is an outright lie, but it is a rather blunt way of saying that we can control how much power we allow other people to have over us through their attitudes towards us.

I was very involved in Guiding as a child, with mottos like, ‘A Brownie does a good turn every day’ and a Guide Law that instructed us something along the lines of ‘Think of others before oneself at all times.’  Believe me at the time, I knew all ten by heart and took them quite seriously.  I still think the best form of self-care is to do something helpful for somebody else.  The buzz, oh the buzz!

Manicure
Photo by Giorgio Trovato via Unsplash

I think one of my issues with self-care is that so many activities people suggest as self-care do not appeal to me.  They simply don’t float my boat.  Being a very fast thinker, I have quite a short attention span; more than about 3 minutes of nature sounds drive me to the brink with boredom, unless it is as an aid to study.  Manicures are equally tedious – I talk with my hands, please don’t ask me to keep them still.  A night at the cinema? Covid, and the soundtrack is almost always a bit too loud for me, let alone Joyce.

The Evil word ‘should’

And then there’s that word ‘should’.  As soon as someone tells me that I should be doing it,  self-care becomes another duty to perform. There is more than enough duty in my life already.  Life is about passion, love, excitement and enjoyment.  Well done, ‘should’ people, you’ve just sapped all the joy out of my walk on the beach.  OK, so I have a bad attitude when it comes to the word ‘should’.

So, for those of us who, as soon as they hear the word self, have a nasty tendency to add the suffix, -ish, what language is more constructive for us?  Netflix and Chill has become a codeword for a more sensuous activity, so that’s out.

Another way of framing it

I’ve talked about my love of constructive relaxation before, whether that be painting a wall or listening to a podcast while cleaning out the chickens.  But do we have to dress it up as self-care?  Reading a book for half an hour because you enjoy reading and it helps you sleep is simply part of a sensible night-time routine.

Joyce and I almost always watch 2 programmes’ worth of something fairly undemanding but entertaining between dinner and bedtime.  Is this self-care?  Some would say so, we consider it as the only activity for which we have anything left in the tank.  We sit there in front of the telly, with Kevin the cat walking from lap to lap for cuddles, scritches and burr removal.

A cat sleeps
Not Kevin, photographed by Erik Jan Leusink, via Unsplash

For me this is more redolent of a phrase I picked up from a Uni friend over 20 years ago.  This is not self-care, but ‘gorming out’, a sort of staring into space, or in this case at the TV. The mind wanders, daydreaming other scenarios for the characters on the screen while subconsciously processing the dealings of the day.  I’m not quite sure where the phrase comes from, but the friend who shared it with me was an East Yorkshire girl.  So, next time you are concerned for a friend’s mental wellbeing, please don’t tell them they should look after themselves better.  Perhaps you do them a bigger service by inviting them to join you in a good session of gorming out, however you interpret it.

If you would like some help learning to gorm out in a way that works for you, contact us for an introductory mentoring session here.

Community Values

Back in February, I wrote a blog about the meditative properties of painting the edges when meditation is not your thing.  Today I want to take those feelgood factors one step further, and consider the benefits to all of helping out in your community.

Workers meet for task allocation

Recently Joyce discovered that a local museum, RAF Manston History Museum needed a bit of help.  The museum had closed because of Coronavirus and had taken the opportunity to give it a bit of an overhaul.  The average age of the volunteers there was, at that point, 72, and slow but steady progress was made.  Now that the restrictions are lifted, the race is on to get the place re-opened as soon as possible, but there was the small matter of re-painting all the hangars and raising money for urgent repairs, including the renewal of electrics to deal with.

I’m not sure how many of us gathered to paint, and Joyce and I certainly didn’t put in the greatest number of hours that weekend, but the atmosphere was not the same colour as what went on the walls – Tornado Grey.  No, the atmosphere was bright and bubbly.  The amateurs among us painted up as far as we could reach with rollers and BIG brushes, while the professionals (all giving their time and skills for free) almost literally ran up and down enormous ladders.

Doggo Approved

They painted around and what felt like over us completely safely, with speed and dexterity.  Importantly, complete strangers worked together almost without needing to talk about what the plan was.  The leadership from Jeannene Groombridge was flawless, which is not really surprising when you understand her background in management and  her current role on the Civilian Committee of the local Air Cadets.

Team Effort
Beautiful blockwork

Outside, others swept up the external exhibition area and experts laid new block paving. There were probably many other things going on that I did not see or did not understand.  Meanwhile, lovely ladies and those too young to wield a paint brush made regular circuits with hot and cold drinks, cake, and other delectable items.

Joyce and I left physically exhausted (Joyce really needs to admit that her neck is not fit for painting high any more), but mentally and emotionally energised.  We have committed ourselves to helping out where we can.  In terms of turning up, that can be a challenge when we have such busy business and family lives, but there are other ways we can help.  One is by encouraging you, our clients, visitors and friends to donate to the urgent repair fund here.  I’m also in the early stages of investigating writing an article about downtime on the base when it was operational.

Since we were last onsite, I’ve had chance to reflect on the experience.  I can honestly say I gained mental energy, engaged with the area that is my home in a new way, and found a new sense of community, all in 2 hours.  If you want to explore doing the same, but are a bit shy about it, why not contact us to see how you might get started.

All parts of the community chip in